Wow, She Has No Game
by PezberryFeelings
Summary: Rachel and Santana are roommates and Rachel has gotten tired of watching Santana strike out every time she speaks to a woman so she offers her unwanted assistance.
1. Chapter 1

_"Wow, look at that tight dress on you. You must really have tons of confidence in your inner beauty…. Hey where are you going? I was talking to you!"_

Rachel just closed her eyes and shook her head in disbelief. She literally could not believe that someone so hot could have absolutely no game. After tonight it's been decided that she needs to coach Santana on the ways of speaking to a woman if she ever plans on getting a girlfriend with substance.

Santana walked over to the counter where Rachel was sitting. "I can't believe how many bitchy girls there are in this place."

Rachel just shook her head again. "Santana, do you not understand why women keep walking away from you? You're so rude!"

"How am I rude? I told her she had a nice personality."

"That's definitely not what you said to her. Do you even know how to say something nice to anyone?"

Santana looked away rolling her eyes in the process.

"I'm being serious, Santana. Look at me and tell me something genuine. Talk to me like I'm one of the girls you're trying to take home tonight."

Santana ran her finger around the rim of her glass and glanced up at Rachel. The look on Santana's face made Rachel blush, which cause Santana to smile.

"You have the most beautiful, deep brown eyes I've ever seen." The softness of Santana's voice when she complimented her caused her to blush even harder. "Wow, Santana, thank you. That was so sweet."

"It really distracts from your big nose. Wanna get out of here?" Santana smiled being seemingly proud of herself. Meanwhile Rachel's smile faded into a stern, unamused look and she signed. She knew she had her work cut out for her.

* * *

The following weekend back at their apartment in NY, Santana and Kurt are sitting on the couch waiting not so patiently to see what Rachel looks so happy about.

"Santana, in light of recent events I've decided to put together a 25 slide powerpoint presentation to show you the finer points in the art of female seduction. As you know I have 2 gay dads and a gay best friend so I am very well versed in gay culture and I believe you need my help. And besides, I can totally get a girl to do whatever I want. It's a gift. A gift I will now give to you."

Santana couldn't help but hold her head in her hands. "I can't believe this is happening right now. And what the hell are you talking about?"

Rachel smirked a bit at the question. "Remember when we went to Target because I wanted to redecorate the house a little?"

Kurt and Santana both rolled their eyes. They mutually decided shopping with Rachel is a fate worse than death.

"Yes I remember."

"Remember when I saw this adorable lavender soap dish that I thought would look great in your bathroom and you said you didn't want it?"

"Yes I remember because I argued that I don't need a soap dish since I use liquid soap."

"And you stood by that statement even though I told you how the color would compliment your decor perfectly and give the room more ambiance."

"Which I thought was insane and I'm never going shopping with you again." She huffed, crossing her arms and leaning back against the couch.

Rachel placed her hands on her hips and tilted her head curiously. "Santana, where is the soap dish?"

"We got the lavender liquid soap so I don't see why that's so im-"

"Santana! Tell Kurt where the soap dish is."

"…It's in my bathroom."

"Kurt, hit the lights, please."

"Kurt, hit me over the head, please." Santana slumped down admitting defeat. Maybe a little help wouldn't be so bad.

* * *

_AN: the soap dish dialogue was inspired by a scene in Don't Worry Your Pretty Little Heart by smc-27._


	2. Chapter 2

*45 Minutes Later*

Kurt and Santana sat wide-eyed and jaw dropped on the couch. Neither of them could believe what Rachel just had them sit through. Kurt leaned over to whisper to Santana, "did she really have to simulate lesbian sex with Barbie dolls during the 'after the date' portion of the presentation? I may have to bleach my eyes."

Santana nodded, "probably your ears too because sound effects…."

"We will now move on to the question and answer portion of the tutorial. Santana, do you have any questions?"

Santana sat up against the back of the couch and crossed her arms, "yes, just one. How on earth does someone who isn't even a lesbian have the audacity to stand in front of me and tell me the right way to date women as if you have any clue whatsoever?"

Rachel just smiled because of course she had an answer. "Two reasons, actually. One, I am a woman and therefore know what women like and what they want to hear. And two, I may not be a lesbian but that doesn't mean I'm not open to the joys of Sapphic charm. I am attracted to people, not genders."

"And just when I thought you couldn't get any crazier." Santana stood up to walk back to her room but not before throwing the television remote at Rachel as she yelled towards Santana,  
"I think you should sleep on it!" And then Santana's bedroom door slammed shut.

Kurt sucked his teeth and got up from the couch, "well she seems mad so I'm going to go home. I'll be back tomorrow morning after she's calmed down a little. And we will definitely have to have a little talk as to why you had so many pictures of Santana out with other girls during the 'what not to do' portion. That's borderline stalker." Kurt kissed her cheek and bid her goodnight.

*************************************************************************************

The next morning Rachel lightly knocked on Santana's bedroom door.

"Come in."

Rachel slowly entered and walked towards Santana. "So….What did you think?"

Santana was calmer than last night but Rachel could tell she was still pretty aggravated. "You just don't get it, Rachel."

"What don't I get?"

Santana just shook her head and looked over towards her desk. Rachel walked a little closer with more concern in her eyes, "are you still not over Brittany? Is that what this is about?"

Santana rolled her eyes a little bit at the assumption. "I'm over her. It's been 5 months, plenty of other fish in the sea and all that. She actually wrote me a letter about 3 months ago saying she's sorry but she knows she made the right decision for both of us. Since, you know, everyone in my life seems to think they know what's in my best interest."

The last comment was said with a little more force so Rachel knew part of it was a jab at her. Santana reached onto her desk and handed the letter for Rachel to read. Rachel couldn't help but look a little sad.

"I'm fine, Rachel, really. But the point you aren't getting is being who I am worked to get her and I was happy so I don't see why I should change it and I also don't see anything wrong with it."

Santana walked out into the living room and Rachel followed closely behind.

"Santana, how did you even decipher what this says? Half these words are written backwards."  
"Yeah, she's not very good at writing letters."  
Rachel nods. "Especially the capital ones."

There is a knock at the front door. Rachel knew it was Kurt so she yelled for him to come in and turned back to Santana.

"Look, your typical girl isn't as simple as Brittany. You have to remember that you spent a little over a year dating a girl who thinks the moon is the back of the sun. You're in college and living in New York now. You're dealing with a whole new brand of girls. I'm going to make it my mission to help you through this."  
"Heh, remind me to send you a 'go to hell thank you' card."  
"You know, Santana, you're full of a lot of unnecessary anger. This is why you're getting crows feet."

Kurt set his backpack on the floor and sat on the couch.

"Oh whatever! I don't have crows feet! If anything I have laugh lines."  
"Honey, nothing is that funny."

Kurt's eyes went wide at Rachel's comment and he crossed his legs to get comfortable and hear where this argument is going to go.

"Oh I know something that is. I heard you singing in the shower last night and you sounded flatter than your chest looks."  
Rachel gasped at the comment. "That is not true! You take that back!"  
"Fine, you actually do have pretty nice boobs. They look a little bigger than they used to."  
Rachel rolled her eyes. "Not that, the singing! How dare you imply that my voice is anything less than perfect? I have never sounded flat in my life. I won an award when I was 3 years old for singing the ABC's in perfect pitch!" Rachel's voice then got a little softer. "And thank you for noticing by the way, I've been doing chest squeezes with a tennis ball and drinking a lot of soy milk."  
Santana couldn't help but smile a little. "You didn't really sound flat. I'm just mad at you because you're irritating me."  
Rachel smiled and accepted what she's lately been referring to as a Santanapology. Rachel knows when Santana is sorry for something she said or did; she just has her own Santana way of saying it most of the time. "You don't have crows feet or laugh lines. And you're very hot."  
Santana smiled wider. "Damn right."  
Kurt cleared his throat and both girls seem to have completely forgotten he was even there. "If you two are done having your little lovers tiff I'm interested in knowing if you learned anything from Rachel's presentation now that you've had time to think about it."  
Santana leaned to her side and crossed her arms. "I learned that Rachel is still a know-it-all little brat and the reality is if she really had any idea what it took to get a girlfriend she'd have one."  
Rachel bit her lip and nodded. "I learned when a remote control hits you on the side of the face it hurts pretty badly."


	3. Chapter 3

"It has been one week now. The test subject is progressing as expected. Santana has a second date tonight with Mindy from our Interpretive Dance Class. Or as I like to call her 'the whore who hogs all the spotlight.' Santana made a full date without bringing up this girls lazy eye although I'm secretly hoping she will slip up and finally ask what this girl keeps looking at. Just my luck I'm training Santana to be a civil girlfriend and she decides to use her new skills to date my nemesis. I don't know how I feel about hearing about this date later, for various reasons actually. I've decided to express my feelings in song..." Just then Rachel's concentration is broken by a loud pounding at the door.

_"Rachel what the hell? You've been in the bathroom for over a half hour. I have to finish getting ready." _

Rachel turned off her recorder just as Santana burst the door open to find Rachel sitting on the edge of the tub holding a tape recorder.

"What on earth are you doing in here?"

"I'm working on my audio diary. The acoustics are better in here than in my bedroom. I felt this was the best place for optimum performance."

"Why cant you just masturbate in here like everyone else? Scram, I need to do my makeup."

"Fine." Rachel collected her things and began to walk out. At the door she looked over her shoulder. "Do you like her?"

Santana shrugged while applying her eyeliner, "I don't know yet. She seems ok. Except I never know if she's talking to me or one of the potted plants around us."

Rachel was more satisfied than she probably should be at that answer. She smiled and told Santana to have fun and then exited to the living room.

20 minutes later Santana was gone. Kurt showed up for their usual nightly study session.

"Where's Santana?"

"She's on a date with the whore."

"Okay, you really need to stop calling every girl who gets some sort of solo performance over you a whore. They aren't being paid $50 to give the performance a hand job." Rachel rolled her eyes and then opened one of their text books. "And by the way, if Santana is on a date then what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be following her and hiding in the bushes outside the restaurant, snapping more photos for your collection?"

"Oh stop it! I took those photos for research purposes! And I don't have to follow her. I know she's at Vynl with Mindy and she's wearing that shirt I like that exposes enough cleavage to say 'I'm not a slut but given the right circumstance I can be one for you' ...and stop looking at me like that, I'm not stalking her! She lives here. She asked me how she looked before she left."

"Yes, yes. Before she left in that shirt you like."

"Whatever, lets just work on the assignment. I've been making some recordings in the bathroom since it has the best acoustics."

"Why cant you just masturbate in there like everyone else?"

"Oh my god, seriously? Is there some 'rules of the bathroom' manual everyone got when they hit puberty?"

"I guess you'll find out when you hit puberty."

"Hilarious coming from a male who can sing soprano. If all you're going to do is insult me you can go home. I already live with my very own human demotivational poster meme."

"You're right, I'm sorry. I should have been able to sense that you're jealous of Mindy."

Rachel slammed down her textbook. "What? I am so not jealous of Mindy. I'm a better singer, a better dancer, and a better actress. The instructors just haven't taken notice yet but it's only a matter of time before I'm the star at NYADA."

Kurt nodded his head and bit his lip, "I meant jealous because she's on a date with Santana."

* * *

They worked on their assignment together without talking about Kurt's comment. A few hours went by and Kurt had left. Santana came home shortly after he was gone.

"Hey, how'd it go?"

"It went okay. I don't think there will be a third date though."

Rachel was screaming on the inside but put on what she feels is her best acting face so Santana wouldn't know she was happy about this. "Awww, what happened?"

"Oh don't act like you aren't thrilled. I know you think she's some bitch stealing your thunder."

"Whore, actually." They both laughed lightly then Rachel continued. "You know. I never used to speak about people this way. I've been spending so much time helping you be more respectful and instead I think you rubbed off on me."

Santana raised an eyebrow. "Wanky."

Rachel lightly blushed at the innuendo.

"Seriously though, I guess I just wasn't feeling it. She's not really my type. I just figured I'd use her as practice and work my way up to asking someone really amazing to the Nyada Social next month."

"It's not nice to use people, Santana."

"It's not nice to call people whores either, Rachel."

"I call it like I see it."

Santana perked an eyebrow up. "Wow, maybe you really have gotten a little Santana in you."

Rachel smirked back at her. "Wanky."


	4. Chapter 4

It's now 2 weeks before the NYADA Social. Neither Santana nor Rachel have a date yet, not that either of them have really been looking for one. They both decided to go out to their favorite bar for some on the site women pick-up training.

"What about that one? She looks nice." Rachel said, pointing to a girl near the bar.

"The one doing the body shot off the bartender or her friend sitting there watching it all happen?"

"The friend."

"Then no."

Rachel scoffed and laughed lightly. "Sorry she's too boring for you."

"How about you tell me what you want in a relationship with a woman? I've never seen you with one yet you claim to be an expert at what they are looking for."

"Well, I want what any woman would want in a relationship."

"Ah," Santana moved her hands to cup her own breasts, "nice tits."

"Oh shut up! No! Well….yes…But besides that. Someone who treats me well and gets me. Loyal, caring, playful, nice hair…"

"Do you want a girlfriend or a dog?"

"Oh please. Like a dog would appreciate my nice tits."

Santana laughed and then bought another round of drinks for her and Rachel.

Santana downed her last drink. "Okay, I am going to go and talk to that girl with the nice ass by the pool table."

"You want to go talk to a girl now that you've had 6 drinks? Are you sure that's wise?"

"Hey, I saw nothing about not being drunk in any of your slides. I'll be right back. Or maybe I wont be back. I might come home tomorrow all married and I'll be Mrs. Santana Nice Ass."

Rachel nodded knowing there is no way this could end well. "Have it your way, future Mrs. Nice Ass. You might want to actually learn her real name. Just a tip. Good luck."

Santana strides over to 'nice ass' and introduces herself.

"Hi. I'm Santana," she said smiling at the girl.

The girl smiled back at her. "Natalie."

"Hi, Natalie. Nat a lie. Naat a lieehee. That name is funny."

Rachel couldn't help but put her hand over her mouth. She couldn't believe what is happening right before her eyes.

Natalie is appearing a bit frustrated right now. "Can I help you with something?"

"Yes! I just wanted to say those jeans are very becoming on you. But if I was on you I'd be coming too."

The girl was completely shocked. "Oh my god! I don't even know you!" Then Rachel ran up to pull Santana away from her.

"I am so sorry about my friend. She really isn't supposed to be around other people."

They left the bar and went back to their apartment. They flopped down on the couch and Rachel handed Santana a bottle of water.

"If I was on you I'd be coming too?"

"Oh come on, that line is classic! Like you wouldn't have been flattered."

"I don't know if flattered is the right word but I probably would have found your boldness rather amusing, albeit inappropriate."

"It's a bar on a Saturday night. If girls are looking for appropriate they came to the wrong place."

"You do have a point. For future reference, the next time you go out girl hunting I printed out my presentation and bound it together for you. Kind of like a dating manual."

"Thank god. We're out of toilet paper."

Rachel was a little hurt by the comment. "I worked hard on this for you. I really just want you to be happy and I want someone to see how sweet you really can be."

"You think I can be sweet?"

"Of course! Sure not all the time. You criticize far more than you compliment. But you never bring meat into this apartment because you know I'm against it even though you're not vegan and I never once told you that you couldn't. You'll sit on the couch with me on weekends and watch musicals even though I know you're rather be watching some gory horror film. When I have a bad day you pull out the non-dairy ice cream from the freezer and ask me whose ass you have to kick. You have your own little Santana way of being really sweet and I think you should show that side to people more often."

"Aww, look at you being all sentimental."

Rachel blushed and Santana got up and gave her a quick hug and kissed her on the cheek

"I'm sorry. I'm going to go to bed and in the morning I'll thumb through your stupid manual. Night."

"Goodnight"

"We're not really out of toilet paper, by the way."

Rachel smiled and then she heard Santana's bedroom door close. She brushed her fingertips lightly over her cheek where Santana had kissed her. She sighed to herself thinking maybe Kurt was right. She hates it when he's right.

* * *

Several days went by and not much has changed. The NYADA social is tomorrow night. The last girl Santana went out with she told her she was semi-cute for a freakishly tall girl. At this point Rachel cant help but think Santana is being rude on purpose. She doesn't understand why she can be so kind and patient with her, most of the time anyway, and then be a complete terror to women she dates. Rachel feels bad about this but there is a part of her that is glad Santana keeps striking out. She has some feelings for the girl even though she will never admit it to her. Kurt has already given her the 'I told you so' dance and asked what she plans on doing about it. The answer to that is nothing. Santana has never given any real indication that the feelings are mutual. They are friends and roommates so Rachel feels it's best to not make things awkward. But now it's the day before the social and neither of them have a date so she figured they'd go stag. At least that's what she thought before Santana came home from the coffee shop.

"Hey, I got you that soy latte crap you like." Santana handed the cup over to Rachel with a huge smile on her face.

"Thanks. You're in a good mood."

"I am! I, Satan Lucifer, have found a date to the social."


	5. Chapter 5

"…you what?" Rachel froze in total disbelief.

"I found a date for the social! I know, I cant believe it myself but I was looking for someone amazing and I found her."

Rachel couldn't believe it. She really thought the day would never come but now she has to put her supportive friend face on. "Wow. That's great. I'm really happy for you."

"Are you going with anyone?"

"No. I decided to go stag and just hang out with my friends and mingle."

"Great. Then you can help me pick out some things for her. Your manual mentions girls like flowers. I'm not really a flower kind of person so I need your expertise."

"Now I have expertise?"

"Well yeah! It's because of you that this even happened."

Rachel sat back mentally kicking herself in the ass. "I've always liked white roses. They are sweet without trying too hard."

"Cool. I want everything to be fresh so how about tomorrow afternoon you come shopping with me? We can pick out some cute outfits to wear tomorrow night and I can get this girl some swag."

"Yeah sure. Sounds like a blast."

"Ah! I'm so excited. Isn't this fantastic?"

"Yup! It sure is. It's definitely kick you in the crotch, spit on your neck fantastic," Rachel said before taking another sip of her latte.

Santana ran into her room and Rachel sank into the couch wishing she had offered to go to the coffee shop instead.

* * *

It's now only a few hours before the NYADA Social. Rachel and Santana are in the mall looking around for something to wear tonight. Santana is testing out some new perfume.

"That smells really good on you."

Santana turned to look over at Rachel. "Yeah? I'll pick this up and wear it tonight then."

"Yup. Happy to help your new lady friend be as turned on around you as humanly possible." Rachel said with a flat tone as she put her outfit on the counter for the cashier.

"What would I do without you?"

"Masturbate in the bathroom more frequently?"

Santana laughed and put her arm around Rachel, giving her a side hug. "Come on, we have to get to the flower place before it closes."

"Oh yeah, wouldn't want to forget that." They grabbed their purchases and went over to the florist. Santana bought a single white rose because Rachel said it would be very romantic on a first date.

Back at the apartment they have both finished getting ready and it's almost time to leave.

"So tell me about this girl," Rachel asked while wondering why she is doing this to herself.

"There isnt much to tell. She's really cute, funny, got a good head on her shoulders."

"Sounds like a good catch."

"Yeah she is. You ready to go?"

"Isn't your date picking you up? I wouldn't be okay with tagging along."

"She's going to meet me there. I figured we could share a cab over."

Rachel said that was a good idea. They headed over and were now standing in front of the party waiting for Santana's date.

Rachel noticed Santana fidgeting and pacing a little. She cant help but think it's cute how flustered she is right now, even if it's for someone else. "Hey, don't be nervous. I wouldn't worry. I'm sure she's going to get all kinds of giddy when you hand her that rose and tell her how beautiful she looks." Rachel was sincere. She really does just want Santana to be happy.

Santana sighed loudly. "I really hope so." Then Santana handed the rose over to Rachel. "Here. You look beautiful."

Santana smiled as Rachel just stood there in shock grabbing the rose. "Wait, what? What about the girl you're meeting here?"

"There is no girl. Well, I mean, there is. Before I got home yesterday I realized I wanted to take you. So, will you go to the social with me?"

"I don't even know what to say. I can't believe you did this."

Santana laughed and grabbed Rachel's hand. "I also may have heard from a little gay birdie that you're totally hot for me. Not that I can blame you because all of this right here is Grade A prime sex kitten."

"Oh my god I'm going to kill him! I cant believe he told you. I'm so embarrassed." She covered her face with her other hand as she turned red.

"Don't be. I ran into him at the coffee shop and he might have let slip that you're secretly glad I have no game with women. And I might have let slip that I haven't been at all serious about finding a date to this thing ever since you told me you're into girls."

"So then this whole time..."

"Well, even longer than you think. I've had a crush on you for months but I didn't know until a few weeks ago that you could even be an option. But then you were so set on finding me a girl that I didn't think you were interested in me. When Kurt said you like me I had to do something about it."

She put her hand down and looked directly at Santana. "This is all very sneaky and unexpected and I'm still pretty embarrassed so I need to know why I should go with you."

Santana smiled before giving her an answer. "You mean besides my heartfelt confession? God you're obnoxious."

Rachel took her hand back and crossed her arms

"Ha okay, okay, I'm sorry. We just understand each other. I'm loyal, caring and have nice hair. I'm no dog but I cant promise I wont hump your leg."

Rachel smiled and nodded. "You forgot nice tits."

Santana reached out and pulled her in a little closer. "I get that you're surprised. But I think we both can agree that this was a long time coming. So, you in?"

" Yes, I would love to go with you."

"Awesome."

They held hands and began walking into the party.

"So wait a minute. You did all of this, making me take you to bars and watching you be awful to people, making me think you were here to meet some amazing girl and having me help you pick out all of these nice things for her only so you can ask me out instead?"

"Yup."

"I should have known you were faking this whole having no game thing."

"Oh no I wasn't faking, I'm really horrible to women. But I told you I wanted to date someone amazing so I pulled out the big guns when I realized who that person was."

"Oh you're good."

Santana gave her a soft kiss. "Now come on, lets get inside. We don't have much time because I know Munchkin Land has a curfew. Gotta get you back on time before Glinda gets pissed." Santana starts pulling her into the room.

"And we're back to horrible."

Rachel thinks about what she may have just gotten herself into. But then she reminds herself that Santana is far more sweet to her than anyone else ever has been and she also does have pretty nice boobs so it compensates for a lot.

**The End**

* * *

**AN:** As with all Pezberry stories you should naturally assume that after they social they bang. I started a new job and with the schedule this story would have never been updated again. So rather than abandoning it I decided to end it. Maybe some day I'll write a series of one-shots of Santana on all her dates.


End file.
